he Truth About Cheating

Men cheat because their wives won’t give them enough sex, right? Well that seems to be the common belief.

However, marriage counselor Gary Neuman says “WRONG” The results of his new study estimated that one in 2.7 men will cheat—and most of their wives will never know about it. Can you believe that?

Gary documented these findings and many others—in a groundbreaking new book, The Truth About Cheating.

Gary Neuman 

Gary surveyed hundreds of faithful and cheating husbands to uncover the real reason some men stray.

Gary says his work as a marriage counsellor inspired him to write this book. "For over 20 years, I've been living along with women, counseling, seeing the devastation and how overwhelming it is when they are cheated on and what it subsequently does to the children and the family," he says.

In the book Gary discusses how wives of cheaters can factor into affairs, he recently said on the Oprah Show that he wrote the book to empower women. "It's not about blaming the wife. It can't be. I mean, cheating is ridiculous. It's wrong. And you can't justify it," he tells Oprah. "My book is about one thing. It's really about empowering women. If I can give you knowledge that says that I could have proof that if you do certain things, you can lead your relationship to a better place, that will be much better for you as well because it's not just about stopping tragedy. It's about building a much more mutually beneficial relationship."

What's the number one reason men cheat?

Gary’s study reveals, ninety-two percent of men said it wasn't primarily about the sex. The majority said it was an emotional disconnection, specifically a sense of feeling underappreciated. A lack of thoughtful gestures. Gary believes that men are very emotional beings, which I must say comes as a complete surprise to us girls. He also explains in the book that men don’t look as though they are emotional beings and they just don’t show their emotions around you or even tell you when they are feeling vulnerable or emotional.

One of his case studies, Josh says he cheated on his wife, Jennifer, because he felt underappreciated at home and started feeling insecure. "That insecurity was really the catalyst," he says. "I didn't feel comfortable going to the one person in the world I should be going to, which is my wife." With daily worries like bills, children and chores, Gary says it's easy for couples to drift away from appreciating one another like they should. Gary says the other woman often makes the man feel better about himself. "The other woman makes them feel different. Makes them feel appreciated, admired," he says. "Men look strong, look powerful and capable. But on the inside, they're insecure like everybody else. They're searching and looking for somebody to build Men have a winning mentality, Gary says in the book - just think about how the men in your life act while watching their favorite sports teams. "They love to win," Gary says. "Does he have ownership in the team? It looks like that. But as long as they're in the game, even to the very end, they'll watch. Once it's a blowout and they know their team can't win, television goes off. And what a lot of men will say to me through this research is, 'I just felt like I couldn't win.' Now they might not have been great guys to live with, I'm not saying it's her fault, again. But if you want to secure your relationship and understand and have the knowledge of men, make them feel like they're winning with the things that they do for you."

Don't be afraid to praise your partner or tell him that you appreciate what he does, Gary says. "We get married because we want one person in the world to really think we're wonderful for doing all the things that we do. We all want the same thing," he says. "And the more we give it, the more we get it in return. "Make your man feel valued."

How often does a man cheat on his wife with a woman who's more attractive?

Not as often as you may think. Gary found that 88 percent of the men surveyed said the other women were no better looking or in no better shape than their own wives.

For the first five years of his marriage, AJ (another case study) says things were rocky with his wife, Janet. "We got to the point where we were really living in separate parts of the house. I went downstairs every time I came home from work," he says. "So when somebody else took an interest in me and was interested in what I did, interested in my job, interested in what I wear—you name it—before I had the self-awareness to understand my vulnerabilities and take responsibility, I liked it—even though it was the worst decision of my life."

Every couple will eventually face certain life changes, but in his book, Gary urges couples to think back about the interest they took in one another when they were first dating or newlyweds. "Everybody deserves that. Everybody wants that," Gary says. "Because it's not about the sex, what everyone's been made to believe. Anybody, no matter how you look, can be admiring and kind and warm and give you that extra little pump and that extra kindness and hang on your words."

After reading this book and watching his segment on the Oprah Show, I could really see the merit in the message that Gary is trying to put across.

Do we take our men for granted?

Do we think that they don’t share our emotions?

Are men misunderstood because they lack the clear communication skills that women have?

I reflected back on the times in my own marriage when our relationship was a bit rocky and it was in those times that I was working long hours, I was, like many other wives and mothers, over-tired and over-worked. I was self absorbed in my own busy world and I did not give my husband the attention that he needed. I didn’t appreciate the things that he would do for me, whether they were big or small things. I just took him for granted and, in my own mind, I knew that he loved me and believed he would stay with me through the good times and the hard times.

Gary’s book reminds us to appreciate our men, they are often our best friends and we don’t always give them the praise, appreciation and attention they need.